June 2009
72 posts
To Our Fans-- We're moving!!!
Thank you for all your posts and support. We’ve moved to: http://myopenlettertoyou.blogspot.com/ and hope you’ll follow us there and continue to send your heart-felt and hilarious posts to myopenlettertoyou@gmail.com
See ya on the flip side,
Admin
made-up disease???
Dear Fibro Myalgia,
Are you real? Or are you just a fancy way to say “tired”? I just saw a commercial for Lyrica which cures you but may also cause thoughts and urges of suicide. I think I’d might rather be tired than suicidal. OK well let me know.
Tired and Suicidal,
CW
Sebastian can you hear me?
Dearest Sebastian Part 2, I am still thinking about your amazing quote: ” I mean, like, there are so many parties you could like hook up with like, 2 to 16 girls a month.” That is amazing. I wonder when you do all these hook ups, do you continuiosly flip your hair? How many girls does your ‘Wing man’ get- only 2?BBM me.. I’ll be at STK, even though Gossip Girls...
The big man in the sky
Dear Lord,
How much of a sin is it when I just don’t think some babies are that cute?
See ya in hell,
Heartless
kendra
Can someone please tell me why Kendra from GND has her own show?
Sebastian
Dear Sebastian,
Please let me know why your hair part is so far over to the side. I’m baffled.
Affectionately yours,
RG
NYCPrep
Dearest Guy who thinks he is Chuck and Gal who thinks she is Blair,
You’re not. Please deal with it immediately.
Much love,
SW
Andy Cohen from Bravo
Dear Andy Cohen from Bravo,
We should definitely get married. I know we don’t technically know each other yet, but I feel that it would be in your best interest to lock this down.
Mazel,
SWK
Latisse
Dear Latisse,
You terrify me. I know that long, full lashes are all the rage, and that you’re endorsed by Brooke Shields, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you might also be the downfall of Western civilization.
Best, SK
Real Housewives of New Jersey
Dearest Theresa,
As I wait patiently for the reunion special I think it is time for me to ask you what drugs you are on. What exactly were you on when you threw that table? You make me root for Danielle. How crazy is that? You really made the entire Garden State look disgusting, not to mention Italians. It’s too bad because I always thought you were pretty and I absolutely love pasta. Now I...
Boom Boom Pow
Dear Black Eyed Peas,
I’m not sure exactly what a ‘boom boom pow’ is but I too like it. Where does one get their boom boom pow?
I tried all the shops on the high street but alas I come home empty handed.
Fist bump,
your hip-hop princess
cadbury yuminess
Dear Cadbury eggs, Please return. I enjoy your creamy center during all times of the year and not just Easter. I want your natural state too, and none of that Cadbury caramel or chocolate cream crap. jd
Miss C.
Dear Miss C., I understand your desire to travel - really, I do. I get that your colleagues in the USA enjoy having you back there as much as I enjoy having you here in London. And I comprehend that you must be all important and stuff and go speak at the bee knees of conferences for Trait E.I. in Chicago. But puh-lease when you are planning your travel next time do not even think of going away...
Megan Fox
Dear Megan Fox,
When, why, and how did you become famous?
Thanks in advance,
SWK
Blackberries
Dear Blackberries, Thank you for your QWERTY keyboard. I’m glad you’re not heat sensitive and temperamental like iPhones. Tomorrow is National Say No to Touch Screen Day! jd
LC the author????
Dear LC, Ive loved you from your first epi of Laguna and followed you through all the Hills. I even bought a wrap from from your clothing line. Please dont F it all up with a lame attempt to become an author… Loyally,
M.
Annoying Beach Couple
Dear Annoying Beach Couple,
Why do you want to ruin everyone’s day by playing paddle ball and disrupting the peace? We hate you; please leave.
Forever tanned,
R & E
"Kevin" the IT Guy with a Thick Indian Accent
Dear “Kevin” the IT Guy with a Thick Indian Accent, Indeed, I have tried rebooting my computer. That was actually the first remedy I explored. Absolutely, Kevin. I CAN wait while you do some additional research into my problem. Is that Billy Joel I’m listening to now? Oh, you’re not there anymore! Sorry, Kevin. I’m gonna put you on speaker phone, so I can put the phone down and I’ll...
CDUBS HOLLA
Dearest C-Dubs,
Misses. Have fun on the WWW. Holla. Love you lots, SW Ron
Topless Women
Dear Topless Women at Es Trenc,
We have many questions regarding your topless behaviour:
1. Do you use extra SPF on your bits?
2. Since your husband sees not only you but also hotter women topless at the beach, what fun is left for the bedroom?
3. True or False: tanning your bits causes loss of sensitivity in that area.
Lovingly yours,
Bubbie
SW Ron
S Dubs Ron,
You’re right on the money about the Chablis. Unless desperate or blacked out, I would never choose to drink Chablis. To be fair, I’m very likely to be desperate or blacked out at any given moment so it’s not totally out of the question.
And I’m loving Bradley Cooper as of late as well.
Peace in the Middle East,
C- Dubs
Designer Boutique Websites
Dear Designer Boutique Websites, I really don’t appreciate that you only accept store credit. If the item doesn’t fit, I’m forced to have a store credit and continue the vicious cycle of buying clothes online without trying them on. Please give me the flexibility to return, so I can continue to peacefully shop while sitting at my desk.
If your policy continues, you may give...
Our Fans
To all of our Open Letter fans,
Don’t forget to keep sending your posts to myopenlettertoyou@gmail.com
High Five,
Admin
Old Woman With a Cane
Dear Old Woman With a Cane, I know you’re old and you walk with a cane, but it gives you no right to push me out of the way when getting on the MTA bus.
Don’t worry, I will give you the seat for the disabled. Hugs and Kisses, Jbuck
Woman Breastfeeding on the Subway
Dear Woman Breastfeeding on the Subway,
Please take your baby and your milk-filled boob to a private place. Or, better yet, pack a bottle with you on the road.
Best,
JHB
Panhandler on the Streets of Manhattan
Dear Panhandler on the Streets of Manhattan,
Please stop asking me for spare change when you’re smoking a cigarette.
Stay clean,
Jbuck
PS: I see those new Nike shoes on your feet.
JD and C-Dubs
Dearest JD and C-Dubs,
I also just saw “The Hangover”. I too enjoyed the end montage, the baby (not the tears), and Mike Tyson. But, the flow mob at the end along with the tiger was just OTT. I mean, come on.
JD — if C-Dubs is the lady I know she is, she drinks Magnums of Pinot Grigo, never chablis.
Also, when did Bradley Cooper get so hot? Holla.
Big Kiss,
SW Ron
Heavy Cream and Butter
Dear Heavy Cream and Butter,
My attraction to you knows no bounds. Kindly arrange an orgy with your friends Cheese and Pasta, and invite me along. If Bacon’s feeling frisky, that’d be cool too.
xoxo,
Sean
Midriff Barers
Dear Midriff Barers,
I don’t care how hot or skinny you are, belly tops are not in fashion nor have they been in over a decade.
Smooches,
C
C-Dubs (2)
C-Dubs,
Let’s be friends. Can we commiserate with each over a bottle of Chablis? We can talk about the latest episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Don’t act or front that you don’t watch that.
JD
Pretty but Clearly Crazy Girl Talking to Hideous...
Dear Pretty but Clearly Crazy Girl Talking to Hideous Old Man at the Bar,
Maybe you know something I don’t, but he really didn’t seem rich enough to bother with. If you would be so kind as to forward me a copy of his most recent bank statements and tax returns for 2007 and 2008, I’ll gladly advise you on your next step.
Yours,
SWK
Opaque White Nailpolish
Dear Opaque White Nailpolish,
Are you sure you’re really still in fashion? I know I’m not always up to date on these things, but it seems dubious.
Love,
SWK
Sunbathers in City Parks
Dear Sunbathers in City Parks,
It would be best for me not to have to see your exposed pasty white skin while I walk through the park mid-day on my way to my next work appointment. Let’s put on a cover-up, shall we?
Thanks tremendously,
SWK
Pregnant Lady in a Mini Dress
My dearest Pregnant Lady in a Mini Dress,
You give me the chills, and not in a good way.
Yours,
SK
JD (2)
Dear JD,
Clearly, we have different tastes in cinema. I enjoy fun comedies and you enjoy films about isolation, starvation, and death (not to mention franchises about pubescent cheerleaders). Take it easy, C-Dubs
C-Dubs
Dear C-Dubs,
Please come up with a nickname cooler than C-Dubs, unless you’re trying out for a role in Bring It On 6: It’s Already Been Brought.
Could this be the first My Open Letter write-off?
You know what movie I just ashamedly saw on Sunday? Into the Wild. Now that’s a ”bat shit crazy” movie, as you like to call it, but in a good way.
JD
JD
Dear JD,
You’re bat shit crazy! That movie was hysterical.
A lone wolf roaming the desert,
C- Dubs
Alamo
Dear Alamo Customer Service Representative, How can you actually tell me that Alamo runs an “honest business” when you just informed me that it would be 800 dollars to return my rental car 45 minutes away from the original drop-off location? I mean it’s probably a great way to make money, but it’s not “honest.” Did you smile and tap your cubicle mate on the knee...
Monday Mornings
Dear Monday,
Why does waking up on your special day have to be so hard and sad making? Are you just gonna pass the buck off to Sunday night for giving us the karate chops? Or on Friday and Saturday nights for the excessive drinking?
Please take responsibly for your morning.
Your old friend,
Manic Monday
The Hangover
Dear “The Hangover,” I saw you this weekend, and didn’t think you were all that and a bag of chips. Yes, you had your funny parts (like the end photo montage), but riddle me this: how are you different from the typical bachelor’s-party-gets-absurdly-crazy-and-everyone-bonds kind of movie? And by the way, the funniest character in the movie isn’t the fat dude with the...
SWK
To SWK RE: Fire Island Queens,
If you could provide some photographic evidence of said cargo shorts we can put the question up to vote with our fans.
Happy to help,
Admin
The Baller
To The Baller,
Are we going for drinks tonight and when/how will I ever know?
Seeking to answer the Sunday hair washing conundrum sometime before 5pm.
Ta,
E=mc2
Big Love
Dear Big Love,
I feel like my life is currently dominated by a sea of single marriages and desperately miss life on the compound.
When when when does your new season begin?
All my best to you and the Prophet,
Emily
Camaroooon!
Dear Camaroooon!,
It’s an eleganza extravaganza. No need to say more.
Love you more than words can explain,
SWK
Lady GaGa
Dear Lady GaGa,
You’re cute and I kind of love your songs, but I need more information about your fake accent. Don’t get me wrong — I love it— but I need to know more about how it came to be.
Anxiously awaiting more information,
SWK
RuPaul (2)
Dear RuPaul,
Love! You!
That’s all,
SWK
Rittenhouse Square Park
Dear Rittenhouse Square Park,
While I know that you’ve always had your fair share of crazy homeless people carrying around their belongings in shopping carts after dark, it seems like things have hit fever pitch. What gives?
Always,
SWK
Fire Island Queens
Dear Fire Island Queens,
Why do so many of you wear cargo shorts? If someone can tell me why they’re cute, I’ll buy a pair.
Thanks in advance!
SWK
Makers of Cavit Pinot Grigio
Dear Makers of Cavit Pinot Grigio,
Why does your wine go down easier than seltzer? I’m not complaining; just curious as to how you could make such a delicious drink in such large quantities.
Couldn’t love you more,
SWK